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x Piece Me Together x Tell a Friend x 1 reply x <3
You leaving? Find someone else? Got bored? Got frustrated? Not worth it anymore? Friends are what I need right now Brennan was right I'm not ready and can't handle anything else with everything else that's going on in my life So What were you so cleverly trying to say?
God I hate it when this feeling leaves. God I love it when this feeling comes back.
But I'm also tired Rape me So help me God I don't care anymore
Wait for me...
I will miss you But it's for the best... It was many and many a year ago, at a plain in the country-side. Who could Know? Who could say? Who could explain the intense impulse that pulled me over, that made me escape from the highway, lound and busy with everyone following one another blindely. I stopped at this plain, this plain so different, so different from anything I'd seen before, so different from what i'll ever see again. It struck my eyes and stole my gaze, and forced me into it's life. The rolling fields were carpeted with golden-brown grass, so overgrown and wild and free. The cold winds that nibbled at my red stained nose, attacked the grass so wild and free. Left and right the rolling grass was sthrown, the winds growing stronger with each passing moment, throwing the plain into seizures and paniced waves. Taking off my butchered shoes and smoothing out my wrinkled skirt, I stepped into the sea of grass, that tickled my barren legs. I felt the seas wash over me, taking me to a place i had never been, that i had never expierenced before. I dived into those seas of brown, swimming for the looming firey trees that burned of color, that burned into the thick, smothering, grumbling clouds of black and grey. Pushing, pushing against the tide of the golden-brown seas, I came to the shores. The shores of the fire, the forest of the colored leaves, the forest of the firey leaves. Stepping out of the seainto the soft sands, the frief beach of cool, damp, browned dirt that soothed my barren feet. The woods feeding the fire, the very base of the burning trees, were blanketed with oft cozy moss that pillowed my tired face. My tired face, my sorrowed face, of secrets and loss and defeat. Darkness set in and the sea, the beach, the burning trees, the soft and soothing moss, all of it. All of it changed and twisted and darkened in the meanicing black. The sea pounded and frothed in the ever fastening frozen winds. The burning forest threw up its ashes, its changed and coloreed leaves, twisting and turning, soaring into those frozen winds, that stormy sky of black and grey. Small raindrops prickled my face and skin, and soon the harsh drops of clouds blood beeat at me, attacked me, and i retreated farther into the safety of the forest of fire. From there i watched the shore of dirt turn into a squelching beach of mud and pools, pools that bled into the thrashing sea of golden-brown. Frothing and swirling, ripping and tearing, the sea fought against itself. Overhead the bolt of white that cackled and rumbled, that spun its web across the livid sky, tore and ripped the storm in half. My eyes, they burned as the white light attacked my pupils, freezing the image of the spinning webs of light into the blackened skies. The deafening groaning screaming thunder, throbbed through my bones, the rumbling tearing my body apart, my tortured face, now numbed from the icy droplets from hell. My face raised high into the air, a scream in my throat, gurgling and gaining voice and volume, was released into this vile world, and sprinted across the plain. The plain of seas, the plain of wild freedom, never to return, my cries, released for forever and gone... gone it soared with the wind for no one to hear but the trees, the skies, the pools of mud, the soggy pillows of moss, and the drenched seas of grass. No one to hear it but this plain, this plain that drew me into its body, to cleanse me of my deamons feasting on my decaying flesh. I was being eaten alive, I was in the deepest pits, nooks and crannies, the depths of all of hell. Tied down, unable to escape, being eaten alive, being eaten alive! Lost and alone I crumbled into a heap of defeat underneath those trees of fire, underneath that sky of vengance and anger. I collapsed into a heap of tears, of broken spirit, of fears, of secrets. A sopping mess of infection, sharing my disease with the plain of life that I was destroying, destroying and annihilating with my sorrowed cries and tears of agonizing pain. Shaking and writhing as the torrents of flesh-eating pounding waterfalls of rains from oceans, god knows where, beat down on my battered soul. Away away! This pain must leave, too large and heavy a burden for one, so alone, to bare. Away away! with my secrets, my agony, my dying spirit. The storm of hatred lessened and died, conquered by the knight in shining armour, the king of all skies, the mighty, the powerful sun. Away went the storm with its vengence, its furious, its ferocious attacks. Away away, far far away, it moved on taking all of my pains and sorrows with it. Away away, I let it go, and stood to face the king of the skies. Gazing across the plain of disinfecting hurt, I watched it all come back alive. The golden-brown sea of wild freedom swept round in gentle waves, in the dance of the whispering breeze. The cakes and pools of mud halted their growth and rested calmly, waiting patently to dry. The vanquished trees of fire, once put out from the bleeding clouds, began to burn along with the golden sun. The almighty king of the skies, Life! life lived here once again, cleansed by the army of rain. I smiled, my first smile, my first smile in over a year. It was a start, a new beginning, a life reborn in my tired and withered body. It was many and many a year ago, across a plain of life. I left my sorrows, my troubles, my secrets, and all of my fears. I left them to melt into the beaches of mud, I left them to burn in the trees, I left them to dry out and crumble undere the sun, so bright, so powerful. I left it all behind, all behind, and emerged with a new light, an understanding of me, many and many a year ago... at a plain in the country-side. Ok I know I get offended really easily but it happens no one's perfect and I need to get used to it anyways and I need the help whether I like it or not I guess. Ok, so thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you, and well you know how to be nice with this stuff so I'm not worried about it. thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I love you! <8 Sing sorrow
Apparently all the guys think I'm going to break up with him. I think that might have come from a bored myspace survey thingy.... Oh well, god was everyone at the mall today? You and kris, hunter, scott and nichole, saturdays usually aren't so busy. And I know, because I've been at the mall a lot over the past few months. A lot My meds haven't kicked in yet so I'm... I have no idea, just a bipolar day which turned out pretty good. Even though I'm sorry for everything I said, I like that you went back and read everything in my xanga, and that you check up on my page more than most. Makes me feel good and that someone is watching over me or something I guess. Oh and that piece below, yeah it's SO much better now, it flows a lot more smoothly. I'll probably write two more drafts of it though, it's a piece I've actually been coming back to and rewriting it since 7th grade because for some reason, I really really liked it. But, theres still always something to improve. My mom read my original version as the Thanksgiving Prayer a few years back, I thought I was going to die I was so embarrassed >< Whyyyyyy. I hope I have a good day on Thursday, I don't want to give you a hug and end up crying like I do with Jeremy sometimes. I'll tell him to get me Java Monster or something so I'm certain to be in a good mood from hyperness. This is weird I don't usually have happy rants like this... I guess I'm just really bored... There are nicer to read than my upset ones though. I don't feel dead anymore! I'll still have my days though, you really want to put up with that? I really can't control it... I still have to learn how, Dr. Finny (Psychiatrist) says that I have to figure out when I can feel like I'm getting a spell of depression so I can head it off somehow... I can usually tell when I'm starting to feel upset, but I don't know how to stop it or make it not so horrible. I guess it's just something I'll have to learn. Maybe someone will be able to help me with that someday... I don't know if that's even possible... cuz sometimes I don't even know. It's a really weird thing this bipolar shit. That's ok though, better me than someone else I love. The only reason why I really hate it is when I go downwards I pull away and can't be there for people, and there are SO many people that depend on me this year it's crazy. I love TST, but I have so much to live up to, almost all the teachers depend on me and a ton of students there too. It's nice when I can take it. But some days it gets kinda hard. You know what's strange? That night where I spilled everything to you, when you said my name for the first time, it was like... hmm... my chest tightened up and this weird weird feeling just felt like ... almost like I was suddenly very aware of the blood flowing through my veins. I don't know, things just mean more and makes it more personal when my name is said I guess. It was nice, I guess I don't hear my own name that often. If you and Kris haven't done this yet you should, next time you're fucked out of your heads, go to Arbys and get a Jamocha Milkshake, it already tastes amazing enough when sober I can't imagine how wonderful it would taste if I were out of it. Seriously though, do it, you won't regret it, it's my faaaaaaaaaaaavorite. I'm really happy you're helping me, really really happy. I'm willing to admitt I really needed it, and still will since... Well... you've always been the one I go to, except before I met you, I went to Carl. Just keep telling me it's ok to open up so I don't feel so bad for doing so. And I want to start hearing from you too, I've gotten enough strength back for other people now. How trippy was Across the Universe? It looked like it was going to be really really trippy. Wish I could have gone, some other time I suspect. Ok now I'm craving Mac and Cheez so I'm going to go make that. <Cheese3 Until Thursday then It was many and many a year ago at a plain in the countryside. Who could know, who could say, who could explain my impulse, my drive to pull over my car from the highway, so busy, and stop by the dying plain. The fields were carpeted with golden-brown grass, overgrown, wild and free. The cold wind, the icy wind, attacked the grass, so wild and free. Left and right the rolling grass was thrown, the wind, the cold wind, growing stronger, the plain shaking and seizuring more freely. I stepped into the sea of brown and felt it tickle my barren, my exposed legs, felt the sea of grass wash over me. Diving in, heading towards the looming fiery trees burning, burning and ripping into the thick, the smothering, the grumbling clouds of black and grey. Pushing, pushing foreward pushing against the tide of the golden-brown sea, I came to the shore, the shore of the fires, the forest of the colored leaves, the firey leaves. Stepping into the sands, the beach of brown dirt, the cool damp dirt that soothed my tired feet. The base of the burning trees, the colored trees, were blanketed with cozy and soft moss that pillowed my tired face, my sorrowed face, of secrets and loss and defeat. Darkness set in, the sea, the beach, the burning trees, the soft and soothing moss, it all changed, it all twisted, it all darkened in the suffocating black. The sea pounded and frothed in the eveer fastening, frozen wind. The burning forest threw it's ashes, it's changed and colored leaves, twisting turning, soaring into the frozen winds and the stormy grey and black sky. Small raindrops prickled my face, my skin, and soon the harsh drops of the clouds water beat me, attacked me, and I retreated farther into the forest of fire. From there I watched the beach of dirt turn into a thick, a pool, a beach of squelching mud and pools, pools that bled into the thrashing sea of golden brown, frothing and swirling, ripping and tearing, the sea fought against itself. Overhead, violently tearing and ripping the storm in half, a bolt of white cackled and rumbled, spun it's web across the violent sky. My eyes burned as the white light attacked my pupils, freezing the image of the spinning webs of light into the blackened skies. The deafening groaning, screaming thunder, throbbed through my tired bones, the rumbling tearing my body apart, my face, my pained face, now numbed from the icy drops from hell, raised high into the air, a scream gurgling and gaining voice and volume was releaseed into this evil world and sprinted across the plain, the pleain of seas, the plain of wild freedom, never to return. Released for forever gone it soared with the wind for no one to hear but the trees, the skies, the pools kof mud, the soggy pillows of moss, and the drenched seas of greass. No one to hear it but this plain this plain that drew me into it's body to clense me of my deamons that were eating at my flesh, I was decaying alive I was in the deepest pits and nooks and crannies, the deepest depths of hell. Tied down unable to escape, being eaten alive, being eaten alive. Lost and alone I crumbled into a heap of defeat underneath those trees of fire, under that sky of vengance and anger. I collapsed into a heap of tears, of broken spirit, of fears, of secrets. A sopping mess of infection sharing my disease with the plain of life, that I was destroying, destroying and killing with my sorrowed cries, and tears of agonizing pain. Shaking and writhing as the torrents of flesh eating winds feasted on my goose-bumped skin, as the neverending pounding streams of rains from oceans, god knows where, beat down on my battered soul. Away away this pain must leave, too large a burden for one to bare, away away with my secrets, my agony, my dying soul. The storm of hatred lessened and died, defeated by the knight in shining armour, the king of all skies, the mighty and powerful sun. Away went the storm with it's hatred, it's vengence, it's angry attacks and away away far far away it moved on taking all of my pains and sorrows with it. Away away I let it go and stood to face the king of the skies. Gazing across the plain of cleansing powers, I watched it come alive. The golden-brown sea of wild freedom swept round in gentle waves, in the dance of the whispering breeze. The cakes and pools of mud halted their growth, and rested calmly waiting to dry. The vanquished trees of fire, once dead from the raindrops from hell, began to burn along with the golden sun, the almighty king of the skies. Life, life, life lived here once again, cleansed by the army of rain. I smiled, my first smile in over a year. It was a start, a new beginning, a life reborn in my withered body of death. It was many and many a year ago, across a plain of release, I left my sorrows, my troubles, my secrets, my fears, I left them to wash away across the plain of seas. I left them to melt into the beaches of mud, I left them to burn in the trees of fire, I left them to be attacked and die in the storms from hell, I left them to dry out and crumble under the sun so bright and powerful. I left it all behind, all behind, and emerged with a new light, an understanding of me. Many and many a year ago, at a plain in the countryside. Only today did I realize I was writing about myself, about what I want to go away. Mary mary mary you can't even escape in your subconsious, you can't even get anywhere without this anymore. Mary mary... god... Mary you write and you write... you drown and you sink and you flail and try to stay afloat, you're pathetic... you've been reduced to nothing, small insignificant pathetic... Mary god pull yourself together now, find somewhere to draw strength from, run away again it was working at first...... Just don't think don't act just be simple minded and comprehend nothing and think of nothing just be nothing... Isn't nothing better than what you are now? Isn't it? Nothing seems so peaceful to you doesn't it? It does... I know it does, so do it... why can't you just DO it? just stop and don't ever start up again just drift and be happy in ignorance... Why can't you just DO, not just WISH... not just wish... i dream... i hope... But does it do anything? does it help at all? no... i cry... i scream... And what good does that do? none.... it never stops... So why do it anymore? why put yourself through this why can't you just ignore everything?! pretend it never happened, pretend it didn't affect you like you were doing before, you were going along great what happened? too much... just too much... so WHAT?! just IGNORE IT, ignore it and it will go away god damnit ignore it and it'll go AWAY isn't that what you want?! more than anything.... So just do it I tried.... Try harder It didn't work.... i'm getting worse BECAUSE YOU'RE THINKING, YOU'RE USING YOUR HEAD, YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS YOU'RE LISTENING TO WHAT REMINDS YOU well you only mean well.... of course you do.... mmmmmm that's it's just what we need..... just shut up... ignore it ignore it ignore it... hide it and don't seek it out i'm hiding can you seek me out? stay where you are, pull deeper back into yourself and leave it, just leave it just leave it... just leave it... i can't do this... no matter what i do nothing changes... i'm scared... i'm so so so so scared... then stop it, stop feeling, allow your meds to numb you, don't try to cry when you feel you need to, don't let it flow over and sob all night just don't don't don't. the take over.... SHUT IT NO MORE NO MORE STOP i can't... i'm too twisted up in this... i can't get out just do it mary. just do it. just be, nothing more, just be. that's it all for the best? Of course it is, of course it is mary, of course it is.... of course it is.... just detach yourself, just... get lost, stay lost, just don't exist within yourself. just feel like you don't exist isn't that better than where you are now? doesn't that sound nice? wouldn't you like that? i think so... Stop living in the grey stop living in limbo, stop the confusion and just get into the black and white, stop mary... so lost...so defeated...the blue spiderman hat...everywhere...why today why did he wear that today why why WHY...so scared... just don't exist... just let yourself die out... just let it take over mary... just let it... it is... whether i want it or not... i feel dead... I sprained my finger because I started cracking it too much after I heard Hide and Seek. I don't know how long I'll be in a brace for. But I've started to do the same thing with my index finger. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know how to get over this. All I know is that I come undone so easily. And it's not fair, I don't want to be like this. Sometimes I want to know what you're thinking... it's too hard to deal with, I'm down to writing this to myself because I can't talk to anyone anymore. I don't have anyone........ I don't know what to do.... What do I do? I need help... I helped you before.... Can you help me now?
I Think I Will //Vvolf\\ I love Brennan. We have so many plans, we can see ourselves having a future together. We have a location for our wedding we know what we want to wear and who we want to invite. We know that we want to have two weddings, one for us and one for the more reserved side of the family. We want kids, two or three, at least one boy, his name will be Carl. We want to live here in Ithaca and have a family here. It's wonderful here it's open and diverse and free. I don't understand why so many people want to leave Ithaca is perfect. It's not small and not large, the people are all so different most open-minded, the culture is great, the school systems rock for the most part. Why would anyone want to leave? I guess that's all for now.
I'm worried. I want this to go away, I want to know what's causing it and why I feel the way I do. What is wrong with me... At least he understands and won't do anything again until I initiate. Where else could I write this but here... Not something you want to know no doubt but I'm writing this for me to get it out. I hate making him feel so horrible, I want things to be fine. I guess I just wasn't ready for that step though we've done it a million times before. I forgot about this entry until this journal asked if i'd like to continue with my unsaved draft. Well lord knows I'm well over that stage. Hell I mean I spent and entire hour dedicated to his cock for his birthday only because I couldn't get enough for some reason that night. I don't even remember why I broke up with him in the first place. He's so wonderful to me not to mention he's figured out how to make me climax which makes both of us very very happy. I don't know I think it's how smooth he is is what really gets me to playing with him so much. He's got the softest skin down there that I've ever felt it's just wow. True he is rather large and it will probably cause some severe discomfort, but hey I'm no stranger to pain so it won't be anything I can't handle. Hell I'll go with anal if he wants why not?! It'll hurt but it'll feel good once I get used to it, and who can argue with more pleasure? Three inches my ass, try eight and a half, nine if I'm around, and maybe a tad larger if I do a really good job. Plus I've found new pressure points to massage for more fun. ^^ I love how I find new ways to please when I'm in a creative mood and just go with whatever and make things up as I go. |
